Becoming a mother has been the most intense thing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s been made even more intense because it’s stirred up all sorts of issues around my relationship with my own mother.
I suppose on Mother’s Day these thoughts and reflections get stirred up even more as I’m confronted by all sorts of images of mothers and grandmothers who are all so happy, walking in dappled sunlight and holding hands.
My day with my two young children was lovely, but the interaction with my own mother was a forced phone call motivated by a mix of obligation and guilt. They don’t seem to make greeting cards that say something like:
“Happy Mother’s Day except I still need a lot of space in our relationship to unravel the unhealthy lack of boundaries in our energetically draining dynamic.”
Yet this basically sums up what’s really up for me below the surface and why I’m so passionate about reconnecting with my source of inner power while holding space for other women to do the same for themselves.
++ Below the surface I’m trying to re-learn in my 30’s what I actually want. I developed a coping mechanism to shut down my desires because they were rarely met anyway, so continuing to want things was just too painful.
++ Below the surface I’m letting go of the deeply rooted, unhealthy patterns of suppressing all my emotions, the good and the bad ones, by mindlessly eating or shopping to keep myself numb.
What you might not see is how hard it was to decide that the only way to heal myself was to cut off contact and communication with my mother for long stretches of time over the past four years.
Even though I feel happy with my decision and I feel so much more at ease and peaceful because of this choice, I’m afraid of what other people will think.
If I tell you that I don’t really talk to my own mother, will you think I’m an awful person? Will you understand how much time, heartache, and compassion went into making this drastic choice?
The fear of being blamed for the things that were done TO us seems to be a huge theme coming to the surface and into the light right now. This is the same fear that keeps a lot of us stuck in hiding, shying away from our very own source of power because we’re afraid it will be taken away.
This is what I did. I cut myself off from my own power source, my own inner wisdom and light, because I feared the consequences.
I avoided celebrating my successes because it would make her ‘jealous.’ I worked diligently to mask my feelings because my vulnerability would eventually be twisted around and used to hurt me. I dreaded sharing myself because I knew any confidence would be betrayed and my stories would be openly advertised without my permission.
Nothing was sacred. Nothing could truly be trusted.
I believe it’s my lifelong lesson to have grown up with a fundamental lack of trust in the person who we think is supposed to nurture, nourish, and care for us, and transmute this pain and suffering into something filled with light, healing, and blessings for me and anyone else I have the honor of helping.
If you see yourself in any part of this story, if any of this resonates with you, please know that I see you. I believe it’s time for us to go deeper with these conversations, to share what we’re doing on this journey of understanding and healing our roots.
I’m here to listen and hold space for you to reclaim your sacred power.
There is safety in numbers.
There is relief in acknowledging the truth.
When women gather in circles for validation, support, and inspiration, I believe that we can heal, blossom, and thrive.
If you’re interested in going deeper with this conversation, I’d love to hear from you so we can connect. If you’ve been feeling the call to explore the worlds of deep energetic healing so you can feel so much more love, freedom, and peace in your life, we can talk about that, too.
You can reply to this email or send a note to firstname.lastname@example.org and I promise I’ll reply to every single message.
Because it’s time for us to step out of the shadows and back into the light of our own true radiance.
We can do this together.